MUFFIN PET DIABETES SUPPORT GROUP
 

 HUMOR
SHARED OVER THE YEARS BY THE MUFFIN FAMILY


 
 
How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.

2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!

9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.  Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

 Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A simple shower curtain
will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

--  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

--  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

--  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

--  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival.  In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into  the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.

Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)

--  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at  this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.  That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You  simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the
cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

 
 How to photograph a puppy 

1. Remove film from box and load camera

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

4. Choose a suitable background for photo

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

13. Put magazines back on coffee table

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"

17. Call someone to help clean up mess

18. Fix a drink

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with large, strong drink and resolve to teach puppy"sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

* * *

   "Happiness is a warm puppy,"  said the anaconda.
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love
you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name
for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him 
DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him
humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

 
 

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch?  Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a  dog.  How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!  I  know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he  still a bad dog?

Dear God,
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk!  What's he been rolling around in?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake paws to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.  What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven?  If there are, will I still have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order?  Or is it the carpets again?

Dear God,
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the dogs here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please?  It would be good for my self-esteem.

Dear God,
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of him. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent?  Does Petsmart sell lie detectors?

Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl.  Have you noticed my own blessing?
 

 
  You Know You Are the Dedicated Companion of a Diabetic Pet When:

1.  You start looking at your other pets' ears and evaluating them for how good they'd be to do ear sticks on.

2.  You start looking at your human family members' ears and evaluating them for how good they'd be to do ear sticks on.

3.  You can do U-40 insulin in U-100 syringe calculations in your head.

4.  You know what "U-40 insulin in U-100 syringes" means.

5.  You have a great deal of pride over your Excel charts of your pet's BG levels.

6.  You have better records of your pet's BG levels than you do of your own vaccination history.

7.  You can converse intelligently using alphabet soup (you know what PZI, NPH, BG, and B-D mean).

8.  Every week you hope you make the list of the Top Ten Posters to Muffin.
 

 

Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 18:58:50 EST
From: CKurtz1961 <CKurtz1961@aol.com>
Subject: [MUFFIN] Fwd: non-diabetes related: The Creation Story as told by a dog.

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
 

 
 
The 10 Commandments - From A Pet's Standpoint:

1.    My life is likely to last 10 - 15 years.  Any separation from you will be painful for me.  Remember that before you get me.

2.    Give me time to understand what you want from me.

3.    Place your trust in me.  It is crucial to my well-being.

4.    Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment.  You have your work, entertainment and friends.  I only have YOU.

5.    Talk to me sometimes.  Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice.

6.    Be aware that however you treat me, I'll never forget it.

7.    Please don't hit me.  I can't hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I really don't want to do that to you.

8.    Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right foods or I've been out in the sun too long
or my heart is getting old and weak.

9.    Take care of me when I get old, for you too will grow old.

10.    Go with me on difficult journeys.  Never say, "I can't bear to watch", or "Let it happen in my absence" Everything is easier for me if you are there.

And remember I LOVE YOU !

"Author Unknown"

 
DOG PROVERBS

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
 -- Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead"
 -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car,  in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
- -- Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his  water bowl."
- -- Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
 -- Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
- -- Groucho Marx.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or  fight its enemies is lunch."
- -- Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity  of dogs."
- -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around  three times before lying down."
- -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I  think that is how dogs spend their lives."
- -- Sue Murphy

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up  all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
- -- Unknown

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous  and give the wrong answers."
- -- Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got  the guts to bite people themselves."
- -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come  back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
- -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird  religious cult."
- -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents  a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- -- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
 -- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
- -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone  should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it  look like the dog did it."
- -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of  his tail.."
- -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
- -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves  himself."
- -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
- -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
 -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his  life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
- -- Unknown

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
- -- Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better  for it."
- -- Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
- -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not  bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great  Dane."
- -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed  contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans ar nuts."
- -- John Steinbeck

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We  can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
- -- Rita Rudner
 

 
If Lassie was a cat

Mreow!
What's that Lassi?
Mreow!
You're not getting enough sunshine?
Mreow!
But Timmy is?
Mreow!
Where is Timmy that he is getting so much sun?
Mreow!
You don't give a crap?
Mreow!
Give you tuna?
Mreow!
But what about Timmy?
Mreow!
Give you two cans of tuna and you'll talk?
Mreow!
Maybe?!
Mreow!

By Darksuit
 

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"
~~ Robert A. Heinlein

 
 
THE FAMILY DOG 
Author unknown 

The family's dog was bought to guard, 
Chained to a post in a chilly backyard, 
House in a shed that was airless and dark, 
And every few weeks had a run in the park. 

When boredom set in with no fun and no work, 
One day it broke loose and went quietly berserk, 
Pa couldn't fathom just why it went wild, 
As it flattened his wife and then bit his child. 

The police were called in to sort out the mess, 
And the whole sorry tale was revealed in the press, 
The Rescue Society was really annoyed, 
So, the dog was re-homed, and the owners destroyed.
 



 
SIGN FOR YOUR DOOR
These are my pets
I love them best
This is their house
You are our guest
If you should find
These dogs a peeve
Then by all means
Feel free to leave!
 

Here's another:

We love our dog
this is her home.
Its our hope she ll never roam.
Our faithful friend,
she is the best,
This is her home,
YOU are the guest.
If to you she is a peeve,
Then by all means please feel free to leave.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  

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